Plan B is the new Plan A
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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