Can i not drive my cunt home
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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