I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
