You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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