I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
