My underwear smells like fireworks.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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