Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
