also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
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You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
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Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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