we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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