It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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