Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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