Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
