Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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