Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
