im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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