The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
