there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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