a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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