hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
