I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
