i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
