I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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