I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
