im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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