i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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