someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
