I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
