Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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