Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
