Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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