Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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