I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
