watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
