God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
