the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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