I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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