Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
