I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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