shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
