I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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