Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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