Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've blown a few things in my day
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
