I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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