Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
