god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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