Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We got so high we made milksteak
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
