and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
