living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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