Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
