life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
