how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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