This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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