my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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