I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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