I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
